I work for a bank department that handles huge amount of transactions for corporate customers. When I was first told about my work, I was very excited about the challenge the job presents. Little did I know that with the big responsibility comes ... no, not spidey powers... but the stress and anxiety. This doesn't even come from the load of work but more on the office environment; more so on the politics and pressure we get everyday.
Years ago, it was common to hear executives in our department shouting at each other. It was common to see people with smug faces. It was common to hear colleagues in a shouting match on the phone, with them not even knowing whom they are talking to. It's astonishing to see somebody staring at the phone, shouting his lungs out as if he's trying to make a point with the phone unit. He hasn't even seen the face of the person he's talking to.
The amount of time spent in the office is 12 to 14 hours -- usually you just go home to catch some sleep and then continue to work at home.
Lately, this has changed, although you'll still hear a lot of curses now and then... only because there was a point where people were leaving their jobs for health reasons. Two years ago, I had a colleague who survived a heart attack. He only came back to the office to submit his resignation.
For some, although the pay is good, do not see the value of it all when their personal time is being robbed by their work, without even the smallest gratitude.
Because of the complaints received by upper management, there was a move to encourage a change in attitudes. You can't blame people though, because the slightest mistake will entail a big cost to the department, and ultimately to the company.
So you can imagine now how I was so stressed when I lost my key to my cupboard. I bore the issue for a long time, to the point of loosing sleep over it that I thank God that I'm finding the heart to laugh now about this experience.
I lost my key last November 2007 during a gig. I was so caught up with all the tension and excitement of playing in front of a huge crowd that it was two weeks later when I noticed that I lost it. That's when anxiety crept in. I searched all my bags, the whole flat and even my cubicle in the office but I can't find it.
The only solution is to go to our admin officer and ask for the duplicate. This is where my dilemma came in. The lady is very strict. She has a reputation of being obsessive-compulsive when it comes to orderliness, on being systematic on all things. A lot of people in our office are. The slightest mistake and you will hear a lot of monologues coupled with insults. Even the most humble person in our office received the same treatment when she made a mistake of asking for a fresh supply of paper on the wrong day. I do understand though. She receives all the complaints in the office: supplies, logistics, office politics. Her work affects a lot of people in our department, so she always has to deal with the "pasaways", and with all the negativity. A person can handle only as much, and of course in time you get to acquire the same attitude without even knowing it.
No I wasn't afraid of her. Rather, I was afraid of myself. The last thing that I want to happen is to say things back against her that will only provoke her to say something back. But saying what's on my mind is already an inherent character I can never control. I'm used to saying the truth in your face, and the more there is truth in what I say, the more hurt a person gets.
Fast forward to March 2008 (yes that was how long this issue lasted =) ). There were so many things that had happened in work that I totally forgot about my cupboard. It didn't contain anything that I use everyday, only project documents that I don't usually refer to. That's the reason or maybe I was just trying not to deal with the problem. But my boss announced our move to another office so I was forced to face it.
I searched my place again, all my bags, even the office. But I didn't find the key. In my desperation, I brought all my house keys, a Swiss knife and a scissor and tried them all in the cupboard. I even searched the net for the manufacturer and tried to key in the serial no so that I can ask for the duplicate.
And then there was God. =)
At this point, I think He was just smiling as all these things are happening, silently telling His self "Here she goes again."
Even when I was trying to solve my problem, I was already praying to Him to do this or do that ... "Lord, pls help me find the key in this bag.. Lord, please help me find the key under my table... Lord, please let me open the cupboard with the Swiss knife..."
In my heart, I know what the solution was: to ask our admin officer. But I was like a little kid who did something wrong in school, too afraid to confront the principal, even though I was with my Father.
Two days before the move, I was literally crying to God to solve the problem in my own conditions. I was even trading Him all my good deeds in exchange for the missing key, i.e. "Lord, I did this for You.. I did that for You..." but still nothing happened.
Something else did. My immediate boss came to me that morning to ask if all my things have been packed and if I could manage to label the other PCs our team owns. I said ok, but that I have a problem, I lost my key for my cupboard.
His expression suddenly changed, and full of sympathy, he asked, "What did you do?". I said, "Nothing yet". He said, "okay, just approach her, if you want I can accompany you, but whatever you hear, just let it pass through one ear and the next."
I said, "it's okay, I can deal with it."
He said, "Ok, let me know if there will be problems."
After that conversation, I felt a slow relief. I think God was trying to tell me to listen to Him and made His presence felt through my immediate boss. He's assuring me that whatever happens, He is in the midst of all of it.
Still, I didn't have the courage to approach her that day. But that night, in my prayer time, I focused on one prayer.
"Lord, I know that even though You are faithful to Your Promises, I still have doubts in my heart. You know where this weakness comes from. But in spite of these doubts, I know that You will touch her heart. I know that when I finally have the courage that the Spirit will give me, You will make sure that she will understand my situation."
And then, this verse came...
"Fear thou not; For I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you: Yes, I will help you; Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness." - Isaiah 41:10.
o-ha. Me verse pa. Ganyan kalupit si God. (^_^)
I can't go to anyone with my problem because it is such a small deal. I was even angry with myself because I can't deal with the situation and had to ask God for such a simple thing. "Ano ba, ang daming nagugutom at walang bahay? Susi lang ndi mo pa masolve!"
But He truly knows us. Inside and out. Maybe for some people, this is not a huge deal. Like all other problems in life, we have our own strengths and weaknesses, our own way to solve conflicts. I think, for Him, this is one perfect time to teach me to truly rely on Him. Not on myself.
I have this fallacy that God doesn't answer our prayers because there's another will involve: that it's up to another person to decide whether to follow God's will or righteousness. In this case, God showed me that it's not true. That if He truly wills it, things will happen according to His plan. By hook or by crook.
Back to the story.
The day after, one day before the move, I finally had the courage to approach our admin officer. I told her I lost my key. Told her the story. And then apologize for committing the mistake. I then asked if I can borrow the duplicate.
There was a small discussion. But everything was dealt civilly. Then she tells me I need to shoulder the expense for the duplicate.
No shouting. No accusation. I remained humble and she remained professional.
The colleague listening to our conversation told me afterwards, "That was the first time I heard her talk calmly."
I don't know what happened. Maybe I was just at the right place at the right time, catching her with the good mood. Maybe I have done some goodness to her in the past and she recalls it. Maybe not. One thing I'm sure of is God did fulfil His promise to me. I whispered a short prayer of thanks, promising to share this story to people so they can draw some sort of inspiration. Even if at the back of my mind, I know there will be people who will not be able to understand such a silly thing. I'm just thankful He used a not-so complicated situation to remind me of His Love. I think even before I promised to do that, He already knew that I'd be writing about it.
I duplicate the key that day (made two copies, one for a souvenir =) ), bought a small pack of Ferrero chocs and went back to our admin officer. Together with the chocs was a small note I made her, thanking her for letting me borrow the duplicate.
She touched my arm and smiled "ayoh.. you didn't need to." But in my heart I knew she needed someone to warm her heart.
This is the lesson I got. That whatever problem(s) we have, God is faithful. He will never leave your side. Even if you don't "feel" Him. Our answers sometimes don't come in packages that we expect. It's okay. Trust in His Wisdom. He has a bigger plan.
"Father, thank You for Your amazing love for me. I trust in Your mercy and look to Your Son on the cross for healing and salvation." Thank You for making me an instrument of Your message. This is for Your Glory.
