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Monday, June 01, 2009

Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

A few weeks ago, i was in a 'hope for the best and prepare for the worst.' attitude. I kept myself numb just in case I get the worst. Is it just fibroid or is it cancer? I might have escaped cancer but the surgery is non-negotiable. It was sometime after the surgery when I got the surgical pathology report results at hand.
Diagnosis: Intramural Leiomyoma, Secretory Endometrium, Endocervical Polyp, Chronic Cervicitis with focal squamous metaplasia and nabothian cyst. Unremarkable fallopian tubes. Hemorrhagic Lutein Cyst, left ovary. Cystic follicles, right and left ovaries. 
Good News: No Cancer. 
Bad News: Bye Babymaker. So many cysts, including an 11.5 cm in diameter inside the uterus. No choice but to be Ganap na Bakla.

After all that has happened, I want to shout it out to the world... I did it! I did it! (and then add a little colorful swearing in the end... I'll leave it up to your imagination.). The grace of having a second chance in life didn't dawn on me when my doctor said 'The memory of the operation will fade and you can get on with your life.' It didn't dawn on me when I was finally able to eat anything. It didn't dawn on me when I was about to ride the plane.

It dawned on me after being deeply touched by the love of my family and friends. It dawned on me after watching those people who though I tried to stay away still had the heart to sought me out had found me and stayed with me through the tough times and the endless waiting.

I am still a work-in-progress. I still have that after-6-months-check-up, dreading the whole process of nurses poking you and going through that waiting period again. But it is still so far away. There is still the challenge to face my ordinary everyday life. To slowly learn everything again.

This week was my week of experiments. I tried to walk longer than 10 minutes. I tried to ride the mrt (for two stations, yey!). I ate in a kopitiam, carrying a heavy tray (which the doctor would have advised against, but i did it anyway and will not do so again, I promise). I went out with my friend for lunch and coffee. I went to a movie. I tried to walk as fast as other people do. The latter was a bit painful, but I'm glad nobody noticed.

I know I've abused it when I start feeling feverish. The minute I do, I stop everything. I stay quiet for a moment and just let the pain pass. It doesn't happen too much now. But my common sense does tell me that I still need to take it easy for at least a little while. There's just always the feeling of utter exhaustion. In short, I'm succeeding to pretend I'm normal. So successful that people are starting to forget. And I hope it continues 'til I am back to normal again.

There are times when I wake up feeling overjoyed to just watch the sun rising up from my window. I was never a sentimental person. Not until now. And ironically, I'm thankful for that. To be able to appreciate great things in my life like a little bit of sunshine. It's a humbling experience.

They say it last for a while. Until life starts to lock you in again to an endless routine.

So I decided to write this with the hope that I'll always remember this celebratory feeling - that whatever life sends from now on, you have this to say "I survived this... the next one should be easy."

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