Crossroads

Just a few minutes earlier, I was listening to Cranberries' Ode to my
Family. Before that I was cleaning my cupboard, saw my notebook na 4
years old na and read my early journal entries, addressed to some friends, back during the days na nag-uumpisa pa lang ako sa Singapore. Nostalgic. And before I loose this journal, maybe it's time to publish it.

*** tinginingnginingngining ***

It's been 4 years. Anniversary ko dito sa 24th. Ang layo na ng
narating nating lahat, alam nyo ba? Naalala ko na nung nagtratrabaho
tayo (at nagkukunwaring working students) sa isang kumpanya sa Pasig,
ang una kong binili sa sweldo ko eh album ng cranberries (at new kids
nyahaha). At habang naduduling na ko sa antok habang nagpro-proof
read ng entries tungkol sa iba't ibang klase ng wine at alcohol,
pinapatugtog ko ng paulit-ulit ang Ode to My Family.

Kaya pala medyo naninibago ko. Kasi nun, lagi tayong nakakulong lang
sa isang kwarto habang nagtratrabaho. At madaling araw pa, madilim sa
labas. Ngayon, habang sinusulat ko to at nakikinig sa Cranberries,
ang taas-taas ng araw.

At amoy beho ang katabi ko.

Nung nasa Cambodia ako, na-amaze ako sa simple ng buhay nila. Mahal
ang lahat. USD eh. Pero ang yumayaman lang ang mas mayayaman at
humihirap ang mga mahihirap.
Sawnds pamily?? =)


Nung nandun nga kami, sabi ng isang kasama ko "eh parang Pangasinan
lang to eh" (taga-Pangasinan sya). And yeah, it made me remember
those days na pumunta tayo dun. Yun na yun nga yun. Ahihihi.
Kulang na lang bagoong-isda, kamatis at kanin. Saka Karaoke na
singtaas ko ang speakers.

Aaahh…. At saka kambing ano? Hehe.

After that trip, tinatamad na uli ako sa work ko. Ano bang bago,
ganun naman ako lagi dibadibs? Hehe. Laging naghahanap ng change sa
buhay. Laging tumatakas sa commitment. Laging ndi mapirmi sa isang
lugar. Nag-iisip na nga ko kung ano pa bang ndi ko nagagawa na gusto
kong gawin pagtapos ng trip na yun.

Ah meron pa. Ang mag-missionary sa Africa. Ang tumalon sa Australia. Masunog ang balat sa Greece. Ang pumunta ng Seattle at makaututang dila ang Pearl Jam… (syet nahawakan ko na yung gitara ni Eddie Vedder, so kahit yung roadie na lang hehe).

Oo nga pla, alam nyo ba ng nasa Cambodia ko, nakasama ko sa sasakyan
at nakakwentuhan yung dating kainuman ng beer ni Sting?? o-ha o-ha o-
ha hehehe

Unhappiness. Where's when I was young and we didn't give a damn?
Coz we were raised to see life as fun and take it if we can.

Dose anyos ako nung naranasan ko ang first birthday ko na walang
children's party. Kakabalik pa lang kasi ng tatay ko galing Saudi. So nawalan na ng trabaho. Ayaw na nyang bumalik pagtapos kumayod ng madaming taon dun.
Masama ang loob ko. Kakapractice pa lang namin kasi ng barkada ko ng
sayaw para sa party eh. Tapos ndi pala kami sasayaw. Saka walang
spaghetti at putong madaming kulay. Walang bertdie cayk na may sanrio
(kiki & lala) na nakapatong sa icing. Tapos ndi tutugtog yung "I am
but a small voice… I am but a small dream" ni lea salonga sa cassette
player.

Nnndeeehh… walang ganun…hehehe…. Meron lang spaghetti at puto hehe.
Umupo ako sa gilid ng hagdanang bato ng bahay namin. Naalala nyo pa
yun? Kunwari nag-eemote eh. Ang batong yun, pag umupo ka at sumandal,
mapapatingin ka sa langit.

Wow. Ang ganda ng clouds. Blue na blue! (joookkkee)Hehe. Masingit lang talaga

Me dumaan na eroplano. Ang bagal. First time kong makakita ng ganung
eroplano. Yung parang nakasabit lang sya sa ere. Tinuturo ko nga ng
hintuturo ko yung buntot. Kunwari tinutulak ko. Ssuupppeerrggiirrl!
Tapos sabi ko sa sarili ko, sasakay ako dyan. Tatakas ako dito.
Pupunta ko sa ibang lugar. Makikipaglaro sa iba-ibang bata. Tuturuan
ko silang sumayaw ng Hangin' Tough!

Toink! Hayun biglang tapik sa kin ng lola ko, sabay sabi "anong
ginagawa mo dyan!! Kainit-init, maligo ka na nga dun!"
Tanghali na pla.

Nakakatuwa ang mga batang bagong salta dito ngayon sa Singapore. 23
years old. 24 years old. Puno ng pangarap. Puno ng plano. They made
me look back. Ang sarap ng nagsisimula pa lang at walang kamuang-
muang sa mundo. Sabi ko nga sa first journal entry ko dito, 2 years
lang ako mag-stay. Mag-iipon ng mabilis para sa mga bagay na minimithi,
gawin ang mga gustong gawin na ndi nagagawa ng nasa pinas pa. Sabi ko
rin , ndi ako makapaniwala na nandito ako. Biglaan nga pala ang pagpunta ko dito. Nagising na lang ako ng isang araw at nandito na lang ako. Kaya sabi ko rin, alam ko plano to ng Diyos. Kasi ako mismo hindi ko naisip na magugustuhan ko
dito. Ayaw ko nga dito eh. Pero kinailangan.

Kasabay ng pagdaan ng buhay (👈 naammaan!), unti-unti kong naintindihan kung bakit
ako nandito. Tulad nung nasa pinas pa ko, marami akong nakilala. Maraming buhay ang naging parte ako. Iba't ibang lahi, iba't ibang pinanggalingan. Noon ko pa nasasabi, ang daming dapat maranasan sa buhay. Pero dahil sa napakaikli ng lifespan ng
tao, the only best way to experience life is to connect with others.
Yang experience talagang yan, panalo. Love ko talaga…. parang
cheeseburger. Diba usually madali tayong maubusan ng cheeseburger?
Madami kasing me gusto. Pero dahil love na love mo, kahit sabihin sa
yo ng service crew na "mam/sir are you willing to wait for 15 mins?",
ready kang magsabi ng "yyeeess!!" kasi you know it's all worth it.
Kaya nga travel ang isa sa mga pinaggagawa ko. Travel = experience =
knowledge = wisdom. 

Dahil dito, nalaman kong gusto kong maging musikero dahil sa mga tao sa Paris. 

Nalaman ko na gusto ko maging potograpis (yung photographer na mahilig sa fish ahihihi!) dahil sa ganda ng Switzerland. 

Nalaman ko na mahilig ako tumingin sa mata ng mga bata dahil sa Cambodia. 

Nalaman ko na overwhelming ang bato, nakakaiyak, lalo na pagsingtanda na ng Rome.

At dahil dun marami na nga kong natuklasan - dahil sa
buhay ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Sa mga taong nakikilala ko sa
bawat lugar na napupuntahan ko. Kaakibat kasi ng bawat hakbang mo sa
isang dayuhang lugar, ay ang kwento ng mga kasama mo. 

May na-rape nung bata pa. May nasa isang abusadong marriage. May naiwan ng magulang. May nagugutom at wala ng pera pero sige pa rin ang
pagtratravel-bahala na si batman!. May mga walang naranasan na
lungkot. May mga nalulungkot. May mga tao na nakadikit sa isang grupo
at tinatanggap ang lahat ng mali kahit alam nyang mali dahil wala na
syang mapupuntahan na iba. May mga tao namang mas gugustuhin pang mag-
isa kaysa makisama sa mali. May mga taong nakakulong sa paniniwala na
lagi silang tama. May mga taong naniniwala na ang tama ay ang boto o
opinyon ng karamihan.

At may mga taong ndi talaga natututo, na kahit ilang beses maputulan
ng tsinelas sa paglalayag, ndi pa rin maisip na magdala ng spare na
goma sa susunod na lakad.

Nalaman ko na habang patuloy ang ikot ng mundo, patuloy ang ikot ng
buhay. Minsan nga mas mabilis pa. Madaming nabibigo, madaming
nagtatagumpay. Pero sa kabila nun, bigo o tagumpay, meron pa ring mas
higit ang lungkot na katumbas. Madaming nagmamahal. Pero madami ding
bato. Lalo na sa templo.

Nalaman ko rin na even if you have all the best intentions in the
world, kahit sabihin mo pa sa pinakamagandang paraan ang nasa loob
mo, pag masama talaga ang gustong isipin ng isang tao, dala ng
inggit, galit, bitterness o ng kung ano pa mang ndi dulot ng mabuting
loob, meron at meron pa ring masasabi sa yo. Lalo na sa likod mo.
Wala ka ng magagawa dun. Pero alam mo na ndi na papantay sa dibdib ng
pato ang mga taong ganun. Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan ko, marami
talagang ampalaya sa mundo.

At ang kasamaan ay ndi tulad ng sa pelikula. Maraming maskara….
Layers and layers of it. Kelangan mong huminto at mag-isip ng mabuti
bago maintindihan na may mali. Na minsan, kelangan mong bumitiw para
makita ang kabuuan.

Oo nga pala… nalaman ko rin na mahilig ako sa "blue" clouds at iced
nescafe. =) Walang "blue" clouds. Imbento ko lang, pangbasag ng kwento sa isang grupo na nakasama ko sa Cambodia. Doon ko natutunan na madali lang makuha ang puso ng mga estranghero sa dalawang paraan: (1) pagkain (2) patawanin mo sila ... bonus points kapag at your own expense.

At baka pag nagkaamnesia ako, ang tanging makakapagpabalik ng alaala ko eh ang indonesian bbq chicken sa plaza singapura dito sa singapore.

Pero sa mga ngiti na nakita ko sa Cambodia, isa lang ang pinaalala
nito sa kin.

Miss ko na ang pinas. Ang buhay ko dyan. Ang mabuhay ng simple.
Makuntento sa kamatis, patis at kanin (Dito kasi puro chicken
noodles.). Ang mahiga sa hagdanang bato. At sumayaw ng "ooohh oohh
oohhh… hangin' tough!"

Me alok na nga kong magtrabaho dyan uli. Tanggapin ko pa kaya? Siguro
hindi muna. Kelan kaya ko uuwi? Kelan kaya matatapos ang kati ng mga
paa ko sa paglayo at pagliliwaliw? Kelan mawawala ang "sana" pag
napapanood ko ang Galapagos sa National Geographic? Pag nawalan na ko ng TV? =)

Sa pagdaan ng panahon, mas lumalim na ang mga bagay na hinahanap ko.
Malalim pero simple kaya lang parang ang hirap abutin.
Hindi ko rin talaga inaambisyon na mabuhay na matagal. Kaya
naiintindihan ko rin ang sarili ko *** pats m'own back*** . Ramdam ko
rin ang pagmamadali ko na malaman ang lahat sa buhay. Ang maranasan
ang lahat ng gusto kong maabot. Magagawa ko kaya lahat?

Linger na ang tumutugtog sa mp3 player ko. Naalala nyo pa ba yun?
Nasa bahay lang tayo. Me dalang mga gitara, nakikinig sa radyo. Naghihintay sa pinaupong manok na niluto sa dahon ng sampalok. Dala ko ang songhits ko nun. Kanta ng kanta –
"I swore I will be true.. so why were you holding her hand? Is that
the way we stand…. I'm in so deep… you know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrap around your finger, do you have to let it linger?"
Haay… Friday na. At 48 years na tong pagsusulat ko.

Peace be!

What it's like to be my Father

As a kid, I usually tinker with my dad's things, whenever he was around, or not, hehe, depending on my curiosity, but mostly because I was missing him (he was an OFW when I was growing up). That's when I found out about the times when he was also trying to learn the guitar or that he has an interest in photography, experimenting with this big ol' camera that he had (which I just found out recently from him was a pentax slr).

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with him. I just told him that I started photography again (My high school elective was Film Photography and I gave him my recognition award after finishing it =) ), experimenting on both films and digital photography. I told him that though I love both forms, I'm currently more in love with film.

He's the first one to fully understand me in that sense. He then told me that when he was working in Kodak lab, he used to sneak out during lunch, taking his Pentax camera out and shoot around, mostly on leaves and flowers (flowers, my father, haha!) and then go back to the lab and process the film himself. "Libre na yun, haha!", he said. He went on telling the story, nostalgic about getting excited on developing the film and being satisfied with the results.

And during the conversation, I can picture him clearly walking around, taking shots, because I also had experienced it. Maybe, if we've talked about it without me engaging on the same activities, I wouldn't be able to relate and join him on that short journey.

Journey. That moment, strike me then. We were crossing the same path, on a different timeframe. Someday, my kid (syempre claim haha) or Andrei, my nephew, might have the same interest, and I'll be having the same conversation again in the future, this time telling them about my experience and their Lolo's experience.

And that gave me peace. Isn't it nice to know someone you love? Isn't it nice to know that you share something inspite of the gap, i.e. age or place? Isn't it nice that even if others don't get you, one single person on earth (pwede ring venus or mars) knows what you're talking about and that person is the one that loves you the most? Sharing common interests is not enough, maybe experiencing the same situations can start it, but overall, it's the love that you share that connects you both, inspite of time and space.

This comes from knowing yourself and those that you love. It was overwhelming to experience that "light bulb" moment. And as he continued on with his story, I gazed on the wisdom of years between us both. I absorbed all the lessons he imparted me with, though I know that just listening to him is not enough to learn all the things that he had acquired all these years.

During our conversation though, there's just one point from him that I struggled with, which was to slowly move away from playing the keys (not to quit on music, but lessen the activities) and concentrate on other things. Like sons/daughters, we tend to believe that reaching a certain age gives you the license to say, "I know what I'm doing. No one can stop me...". But you know how fathers are; they tend to see the big picture. And though, he explains his reasons, he still, as always, will give me the choice to make the final decision. He ends it with, "Pero tama na yan, dyan ka na lang sa photography.".

As a kid, I'm always "pasaway", hehe, but my father has always had the patient heart with me. My love and respect doesn't only come from him being my father, but also because of all the years we shared together... more so because combined with the patience, he always has the firm hand of a father (ndi naman sya namamalo, but you get the point) whenever I'm about to go astray.

There was this one time, when I was about 10, when I wanted to play in the rain, just as my brother was allowed to do. But the night before, I was running a fever so my father won't let me. I did the paawa effect, the tantrums, everything, but my father was firm. I know that he wanted to let on a couple of times, but being a disciplinarian, he knows that if he lets go that day, it will not be for my own good. I didn't understand that day, I was a kid, but it left a mark.

He knows me too well. I know now because my grandmother, my mom and even my aunts will tell stories about my father. From those stories, I can get a hint that even though I look like my mom, I am like my dad. He knows that too, maybe from the day that I was born. He understands me, because I am his daughter, blood and all.

KC (o ang jologs na hehe), recently visited her dad in the US. On one of their conversations, Gabby told her "I knew that something would happen in your life that would make you run back and find me.'

And yeah it's true for all daughters like me. I'm glad, kahit ndi ako kasing ganda ni KC (haha!), I always have my father to run to whenever something happens in my life, good or bad.

"For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth." - Proverbs 3:12

The Lost Key

I work for a bank department that handles huge amount of transactions for corporate customers. When I was first told about my work, I was very excited about the challenge the job presents. Little did I know that with the big responsibility comes ... no, not spidey powers... but the stress and anxiety. This doesn't even come from the load of work but more on the office environment; more so on the politics and pressure we get everyday.

Years ago, it was common to hear executives in our department shouting at each other. It was common to see people with smug faces. It was common to hear colleagues in a shouting match on the phone, with them not even knowing whom they are talking to. It's astonishing to see somebody staring at the phone, shouting his lungs out as if he's trying to make a point with the phone unit. He hasn't even seen the face of the person he's talking to.

The amount of time spent in the office is 12 to 14 hours -- usually you just go home to catch some sleep and then continue to work at home.

Lately, this has changed, although you'll still hear a lot of curses now and then... only because there was a point where people were leaving their jobs for health reasons. Two years ago, I had a colleague who survived a heart attack. He only came back to the office to submit his resignation.

For some, although the pay is good, do not see the value of it all when their personal time is being robbed by their work, without even the smallest gratitude.

Because of the complaints received by upper management, there was a move to encourage a change in attitudes. You can't blame people though, because the slightest mistake will entail a big cost to the department, and ultimately to the company.

So you can imagine now how I was so stressed when I lost my key to my cupboard. I bore the issue for a long time, to the point of loosing sleep over it that I thank God that I'm finding the heart to laugh now about this experience.

I lost my key last November 2007 during a gig. I was so caught up with all the tension and excitement of playing in front of a huge crowd that it was two weeks later when I noticed that I lost it. That's when anxiety crept in. I searched all my bags, the whole flat and even my cubicle in the office but I can't find it.

The only solution is to go to our admin officer and ask for the duplicate. This is where my dilemma came in. The lady is very strict. She has a reputation of being obsessive-compulsive when it comes to orderliness, on being systematic on all things. A lot of people in our office are. The slightest mistake and you will hear a lot of monologues coupled with insults. Even the most humble person in our office received the same treatment when she made a mistake of asking for a fresh supply of paper on the wrong day. I do understand though. She receives all the complaints in the office: supplies, logistics, office politics. Her work affects a lot of people in our department, so she always has to deal with the "pasaways", and with all the negativity. A person can handle only as much, and of course in time you get to acquire the same attitude without even knowing it.

No I wasn't afraid of her. Rather, I was afraid of myself. The last thing that I want to happen is to say things back against her that will only provoke her to say something back. But saying what's on my mind is already an inherent character I can never control. I'm used to saying the truth in your face, and the more there is truth in what I say, the more hurt a person gets.

Fast forward to March 2008 (yes that was how long this issue lasted =) ). There were so many things that had happened in work that I totally forgot about my cupboard. It didn't contain anything that I use everyday, only project documents that I don't usually refer to. That's the reason or maybe I was just trying not to deal with the problem. But my boss announced our move to another office so I was forced to face it.

I searched my place again, all my bags, even the office. But I didn't find the key. In my desperation, I brought all my house keys, a Swiss knife and a scissor and tried them all in the cupboard. I even searched the net for the manufacturer and tried to key in the serial no so that I can ask for the duplicate.

And then there was God. =)

At this point, I think He was just smiling as all these things are happening, silently telling His self "Here she goes again."

Even when I was trying to solve my problem, I was already praying to Him to do this or do that ... "Lord, pls help me find the key in this bag.. Lord, please help me find the key under my table... Lord, please let me open the cupboard with the Swiss knife..."

In my heart, I know what the solution was: to ask our admin officer. But I was like a little kid who did something wrong in school, too afraid to confront the principal, even though I was with my Father.

Two days before the move, I was literally crying to God to solve the problem in my own conditions. I was even trading Him all my good deeds in exchange for the missing key, i.e. "Lord, I did this for You.. I did that for You..." but still nothing happened.

Something else did. My immediate boss came to me that morning to ask if all my things have been packed and if I could manage to label the other PCs our team owns. I said ok, but that I have a problem, I lost my key for my cupboard.

His expression suddenly changed, and full of sympathy, he asked, "What did you do?". I said, "Nothing yet". He said, "okay, just approach her, if you want I can accompany you, but whatever you hear, just let it pass through one ear and the next."

I said, "it's okay, I can deal with it."

He said, "Ok, let me know if there will be problems."

After that conversation, I felt a slow relief. I think God was trying to tell me to listen to Him and made His presence felt through my immediate boss. He's assuring me that whatever happens, He is in the midst of all of it.

Still, I didn't have the courage to approach her that day. But that night, in my prayer time, I focused on one prayer.

"Lord, I know that even though You are faithful to Your Promises, I still have doubts in my heart. You know where this weakness comes from. But in spite of these doubts, I know that You will touch her heart. I know that when I finally have the courage that the Spirit will give me, You will make sure that she will understand my situation."

And then, this verse came...

"Fear thou not; For I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you: Yes, I will help you; Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness." - Isaiah 41:10.

o-ha. Me verse pa. Ganyan kalupit si God. (^_^)

I can't go to anyone with my problem because it is such a small deal. I was even angry with myself because I can't deal with the situation and had to ask God for such a simple thing. "Ano ba, ang daming nagugutom at walang bahay? Susi lang ndi mo pa masolve!"

But He truly knows us. Inside and out. Maybe for some people, this is not a huge deal. Like all other problems in life, we have our own strengths and weaknesses, our own way to solve conflicts. I think, for Him, this is one perfect time to teach me to truly rely on Him. Not on myself.

I have this fallacy that God doesn't answer our prayers because there's another will involve: that it's up to another person to decide whether to follow God's will or righteousness. In this case, God showed me that it's not true. That if He truly wills it, things will happen according to His plan. By hook or by crook.

Back to the story.

The day after, one day before the move, I finally had the courage to approach our admin officer. I told her I lost my key. Told her the story. And then apologize for committing the mistake. I then asked if I can borrow the duplicate.

There was a small discussion. But everything was dealt civilly. Then she tells me I need to shoulder the expense for the duplicate.

No shouting. No accusation. I remained humble and she remained professional.

The colleague listening to our conversation told me afterwards, "That was the first time I heard her talk calmly."

I don't know what happened. Maybe I was just at the right place at the right time, catching her with the good mood. Maybe I have done some goodness to her in the past and she recalls it. Maybe not. One thing I'm sure of is God did fulfil His promise to me. I whispered a short prayer of thanks, promising to share this story to people so they can draw some sort of inspiration. Even if at the back of my mind, I know there will be people who will not be able to understand such a silly thing. I'm just thankful He used a not-so complicated situation to remind me of His Love. I think even before I promised to do that, He already knew that I'd be writing about it.

I duplicate the key that day (made two copies, one for a souvenir =) ), bought a small pack of Ferrero chocs and went back to our admin officer. Together with the chocs was a small note I made her, thanking her for letting me borrow the duplicate.

She touched my arm and smiled "ayoh.. you didn't need to." But in my heart I knew she needed someone to warm her heart.

This is the lesson I got. That whatever problem(s) we have, God is faithful. He will never leave your side. Even if you don't "feel" Him. Our answers sometimes don't come in packages that we expect. It's okay. Trust in His Wisdom. He has a bigger plan.

"Father, thank You for Your amazing love for me. I trust in Your mercy and look to Your Son on the cross for healing and salvation." Thank You for making me an instrument of Your message. This is for Your Glory.

Burning Bridges

When changes are instituted, it is not uncommon for people to seek ways to go back the old way of working, particularly after the eagle eye of change agents have moved onto change projects anew.

'Burning bridges' is a deliberate way of preventing any backsliding by removing any method by which people can go back. This can be a bold move when you are not sure whether what you are doing will succeed. It does, however concentrate minds, ...

and people who may be not fully committed to the change are now strongly motivated to continue.

In warfare, burning a bridge behind you stops any thought of retreat and forces you to advance.

-- based on a quote in http://changingminds.org/

Ndi naman ako ang nag-burn ng bridges, thank God for that. Yet slowly I feel I'm motivated to do so.

I don't really know if it's the point of no return. Mas masaya syempre kung inspite of my decision, kung inspite of being true to myself, people can accept it. After all, walang taong perfect.

Siguro ang pinakamasama lang sa loob tanggapin is, you tried to accept people for who they are, pero pag ikaw na, parang ang hirap para sa kanila. This really, i think, is the best way to test any friendship. Minsan wala namang talagang tama o mali. Yun nga lang, me mga limit ang tao, and maturity comes in when kaya mong tanggapin ang nakikita mong incompatibility or imperfections (which may only be subjective) . The moment you can't, and when there's no more trust, then maybe it's really time to move on.

Siguro nga mas madali kung mag-pretend na lang na okay ang lahat, ngumiti pag nagkitakita. I was just banking on the other "maybe" part... baka pwedeng i-base sa totoong pagsasama.

hhmm... tama siguro yung isang kaibigan ko. ang totoo, ndi ako napagod sa kung anuman, but on working to make things good para maging strong ang bond. mahirap lang talaga sumagwan kung mag-isa ka lang at marami kayo... iba-iba ang goals... iba-iba ang priorities... at sa bandang huli, pag madali para sa karamihan sumuko. Mahirap dalhin ang relasyon mag-isa.

"Marami pang malalapitan, mababait at ndi naman pihikan." -- hehe jologs. pero dapat ba talaga ganun? relationships are not like dresses or shoes you just pick up and drop off the minute it doesn't work for you, right?

This one taught me this lesson. Maybe there's a bit of truth it. Time will tell.

"We don't have to pretend that we weren't hurt or that the other person wasn't wrong. We just have to decide to take our hurt to God and to try our best to forgive. " - 15Feb Word Amoung Us, Meditation

Later

How could you come with me
When you knew all along that you had to go
How could you watch me be (sleep talaga to, ndi bagay eh hehe)
So close to you
Pretendin' not to know

How could you memorise my name
And forget who i am
How could you think
You're still the same
Believing i can

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later than the sunset
Later that the rain
Later than never to love you again

How could you ask for more
With an innocent smile
Trusting me to stay
How could you close the door
And leave me here
Supposing i'm ok

How could you break down my disguise
And uncover my fears
How could you look into my eyes
Ignoring my tears

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later that the sunset
Later than the rain
Later than never to love you again

Its too late...

Bakit mo ko kaibigan?

Kaibigan mo ba ko dahil kailangan mo ko?
O kailangan mo ko dahil kaibigan mo ko?

Kaibigan mo ba ko dahil kabandmate mo ko?
O kabandmate mo ko dahil kaibigan mo ko?

Kaibigan mo ba ko dahil ka-sis mo ko?
O si mo ko dahil kaibigan mo ko?

Kelangan ba meron akong dapat ibigay...
O dapat ba me kaya kang ibigay...

Pag patuloy mong hinahanap ang sagot..
Baka me mali sa galaw nating dalawa.

Dahil ako kaibigan mo ng walang dahilan.

Basta binigay ka ng Diyos. Tinanggap ko ng buo. Wala ng rason.

Ah meron pala. Isa lang.

Na sana wala ring rason sa yo.

Yung bang ang sagot mo sa tanong ko eh ... "basta."

yun na yun.

Just Say Baaaa! By MaryBeth Whalen

I spent some time this morning just confessing before God that I am a sheep. And I don't mean that in an "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy" kind of way. I mean in a dirty, smelly, dumb animal kind of way. Let me explain.

As I was praying, I noticed myself once again asking God for some affirmation and encouragement on a specific issue. Now, I have asked for this before - many times, in fact. And God is faithful to answer each and every time. And so, there I was again, asking Him to supply something I know He knows we have already covered. Why can't I accept this covering once and for all? Why can't I rest on His promises and accept Him at His word, once and for all? As I listened to myself asking my Heavenly Father for the same thing all over again, I wondered, "Why doesn't He get tired of me already and tell me to go bother someone else?" And I realized, because I am a sheep. And He expects me to act like a sheep.

As I thought about this, I realized how many other dumb sheep things I do daily. I lose my way. I ask questions for which I already know the answers. My attitude stinks. I ram my head against the same brick wall, hoping for different results. I wander off from Him and then pout because I feel like He's not there for me. I am a sheep. Yet, He is the Shepherd. Ezekiel 34:11-12a says, "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep" (NIV). How I need the comfort, nurture and protection of the Shepherd.

After I spent time just confessing how sheep-like I am, I spent time praising Him for His infinite patience with us, His flock. I praised Him for knowing how dirty, smelly and dumb we are and loving us anyway. I praised Him that He knows how very little we have to offer and accepts it as our gift to Him. A shepherd doesn't expect his sheep to be wolves or eagles or anything other than sheep. Knowing that comforted me in the strangest sort of way. I love knowing that He leaves the 99 to get the one lost, hopeless sheep. (Matthew 18:12-13 NIV). He doesn't pick the sheep up and yell at it for acting like a sheep. Instead He patiently, lovingly carries it back to the flock and resumes His watch.

I love knowing that when I bring my little insecurities to Him, revealing my weaknesses and confusion, He doesn't say, "How can you be so stupid?" He says, "I expected nothing less from a sheep" and loves me anyway.

I hope that, like me, this will comfort you today. I hope that when you feel lost, hopeless, and smelly or just plain dumb for making the same mistakes or going to God with the same requests, you will just reflect on being a sheep. Spend time thanking Him for loving you anyway and being your Shepherd every day.

Dear Lord, thank You for being my Shepherd, and for loving me even when I act like a sheep. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Power Verses:
Psalm 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." (NIV)
Psalm 28:9, "Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever." (NIV)
John 10:14-15, "I am the good shepherd. I know my sheep and my sheep know me???just as the Father knows me and I know the Father???and I lay down my life for the sheep." (NIV)
Isaiah 53:6: "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." (NIV)

a message brings you something of a shock today...

hehehe kulet...

'nyway ang wento...

sabi sa horoscope, baassaa...

"A message brings you something of a shock today. But after you have read the words over and over, and taken it all in several times, you will realize that, in fact, the romantic situation it refers to is not about to end, but is about to enter an exciting and very new phase. So you can stop trembling, and celebrate instead!"

uuuiiisst, celebrate ... "message daw! message daw!" icheck ang phone, ang email, etc... eh wala namang message na nakakashock. basahin ko nga uli.

A message brings you something of a shock today.
A message brings you something of a shock today.
A message brings you something of a shock today.

teka.....

"....But after you have read the words over and over..."

eh ang paulit-ulit ko lang naman na binabasa eh yung prediction.

acheche.

yun lang.

tgif.... GB! ;P

The Story of Jonah (Jonah 4: 1-11)

1 But this was greatly
displeasing to Jonah, and he became angry.
2
"I beseech you, LORD," he
prayed, "is not this what I said while I was still in my own country? This is
why I fled at first to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and merciful
God, slow to anger, rich in clemency, loathe to punish.
3
And now, LORD,
please take my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live."
4
But the LORD asked, "Have you reason to be angry?"
5
Jonah then left
the city for a place to the east of it, where he built himself a hut and waited
under it in the shade, to see what would happen to the city.
6 And when the
LORD God provided a gourd plant, that grew up over Jonah's head, giving shade
that relieved him of any discomfort, Jonah was very happy over the plant.
7
But the next morning at dawn God sent a worm which attacked the plant, so
that it withered.
8
And when the sun arose, God sent a burning east
wind; and the sun beat upon Jonah's head till he became faint. Then he asked for
death, saying, "I would be better off dead than alive."
9
But God said
to Jonah, "Have you reason to be angry over the plant?" "I have reason to be
angry," Jonah answered, "angry enough to die."
10
3 Then the LORD said,
"You are concerned over the plant which cost you no labor and which you did not
raise; it came up in one night and in one night it perished.
11
And
should I not be concerned over Nineveh, the great city, in which there are more
than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot distinguish their right
hand from their left, not to mention the many cattle?"

There was a period in my community life that I felt that everything is not in it's right place. At some point I even felt that we were succumbing into an "attack", and that there are changes that should be done but even if I voice it out, no one hears. To make it worse, i will hear this "eh wala tayong magagawa, ganun talaga.". Ganun na nga lang ba talaga?

People are leaving. and I felt it was my time to do it too. Even though in your heart, you wanted to do good service, it felt as if you're becoming Martha, and that you're doing everything. But I think my biggest challenge was that there were some things that I don't agree with, that there were things that can be done to make the service easier. The spirit of belonginess for new members, in particular, was the one I was feeling strongly about, because once upon a time I was that new member too, and I know how they were feeling now.

And then one night, God showed me the story of Jonah. God gave Jonah a mission and the first thing that he did was flee by boarding a ship, because he didn't believe that Nineveh deserves the chance that God is giving them. But God pursued him... never stopping until Jonah understands God's compassion to the city of Nineveh. At one point, Jonah felt so strongly about what he think was right, that he decided to leave the city and watch the city from a distance, as God worked His ways for the people of Nineveh. God let him run away again, and gave him a gourd plant, providing shade to relieve him from the intense heat where he chose to stay. Jonah felt safe and happy.

I felt that way too, that short period that I was away. Well, as Jonah was, I was just watching from a distance and did not fully turn my back... watching what will happen while finding comfort with new friends and a new way of life. I did not realize that I was relying on a temporary escape, and on people rather than God himself. I thought my "gourd plant" was my new mission, since God understood my decision to turn my back on my previous one.

And then He took it all away. I wasn't angry but I couldn't comprehend the situation that I was in. I felt I did everything right, opened my heart and accepted all the imperfections that my "gourd plant" had.

Yet it was true... He said it had cost me no labor.. i did not raise it... it came up one day and in one night it perished.

God was making a point, as He was back then with Jonah. And I hope I got it correctly. Jonah's story is a parable of mercy, that it is not God's way to punish, although it seems as first, until we fully comprehend His Will. The experience I had on taking care of my "gourd plant" gave me lessons that I'm now using to take care of my household. If not for that, I wouldn't have able to fully comprehend many of those problems or issues that we encounter today. When I came back to become a household head, I found that I was in the midst of wonderful people, that inspite of their brokenness, they were just looking for God too. Just like me. God is choosing to show His compassion. And God was putting me in difficult situations before, and He continually do so, so He can use me as His witness to His Mercy.

The one thing I'm sure of is, I will still feel the same way every now and then. I will still have strong opinions. I will still say "no" and at some point will feel the urge to flee. But I know that God knows that too, and He will continually to let me learn to have faith and patience so that whatever I was "feeling" or "deciding on my own", bottom line is I will still have the urge to go back and do His Will.

Kasi iba pag si God na nanligaw sa yo.

God bless!